Monday, November 21

Baby Diary: 20 week update

halfway!!! holy smokes! can you believe it? i sure can't. some people talk about how ready they are for the baby to be here, like right now at this stage in the pregnancy. not me. i'm still so shocked by how fast all of this is moving! maybe that's because we weren't planning this pregnancy, maybe because i'm still not showing and have hardly gained any weight, or maybe just because our life seems to be moving so quickly with everything else besides just baby.

at this point i can feel the baby moving everyday. every morning i sit and lay and apply a little pressure on  the firm little bulge right beneath my belly button and pretty soon something either stirs or moves or kicks back. the kicks feel more like a strong single pulse. not a kick. i doubt something so small has the strength to really make me feel something strong. mostly i just feel the movements. this sounds retarded but, the only way i can properly describe it is like i've swallowed a goldfish or that there's a mermaid in me. it's not flutters or gas bubbles, it's just movements. kinda like after you just drank a ton of water or ate tons of food at thanksgiving and then push on your stomach and you can feel your insides swashing around. like that. kinda.

garrison has felt him/her move multiple times. those moments when his hand is on my tummy and he's worried if he's hurting it or not the conversation usually goes something like this
me: feel that??
him: hmm nope
me: feel that? and that?
him: nope >que sad face<
him: was-that-one?!?!
me: yep!
him: >huge smile with those big googly eyes that speak amazement<

they are some of the best moments. the whole world is quiet, both of us completely focused on the tiniest little movements of our little baby.

i've also gained another pound since my last appointment which means i've now gained a total of 3 pounds. no one can tell yet that im pregnant. if anything it looks like im bloated all day everyday.

when it comes to gender, garrison is still basically positive it's a boy. i on the other hand have had sort of a flip flop. before i could feel it move i always referred to it as a boy and if i had to pick, i'd bet it was a boy. but, in the past few weeks as i've come to recognize the baby's movements more frequently i kinda think it's a girl and have slipped and referred to it as a girl a few times. i think it's only because the movements are so gentle and subtle and soft that it feels feminine. it's not like strong kicks that hurt and make me want to say "woah dude, calm down!" maybe after it's kicks start getting stronger i'll go back to my initial thoughts and think it's a boy again, but im genuinely stuck between the two. i couldn't place any bets right now. im 50-50.

now, off to the BIG ultrasound. i'm actually really nervous. at this appointment we find out if it has cleft lip, club foot, down syndrome, growth problems, placenta in the wrong place, too small of cervix, too much/too little amniotic fluid, etc -can you tell i've been researching again??- i'm a little excited because if there is something wrong garrison and i can have all of these months to prepare ourselves for the future. but, this appointment could also be full of excitement and good news! getting to see your baby, track it's growth, count the fingers and toes, see it sucking on it's thumb, hear the heart beat, find out the gender if you choose to, and, rule out the bad things that it doesn't have. honestly, after having our 9 week ultrasound i'm just excited to see it again, watch it move, and have that undeniable proof again that this baby really is in there.

the other thing that makes me nervous is... this is the only appointment where the doctors could be telling me that something is wrong, in all the other appointments it's me that tells them that something is wrong, "i'm bleeding, i'm cramping, i just don't think things are feeling right, the baby hasn't been moving as much, etc." i'm giving the bad news and they just check up on me, this appointment is different, it's where the baby has a voice, where the pictures tell of symptoms. where the doctors translate that voice and those pictures and they tell me what's good or bad instead. it's just weird to think about. I LOVE TECHNOLOGY. i love that our babies in this century CAN have a voice. they can literally say, "mom, i'm too skinny. eat more." or "you know how you were thinking about having a natural birth, well, because of where my placenta is... that's not really an option anymore. sorry" i feel sooo bad for the babies that have died in this world that only died because this technology wasn't developed yet.

hopefully all goes well, we will find out soon!!

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