Monday, January 27

The Single Mom Life

When Garrison walked out our front door and got into his car, to drive himself to the airport headed towards Canada, like bay, i felt sad, and like bayli i looked out the window watching his car on the road until it was just a speck in the horizon. but i also felt a ton of responsibility placed on me to be the only one to take care of our daughter while he is away, knowing that at church i would be the only one to take her into the hallway if she misbehaved, that i wouldn't have the feeling of relief when he walked in the house at the end of a work day, that i wouldn't be able to cuddle next to him in bed and talk about how to make bayli feel even more loved, or share funny stories from the day.
instead, over this past day i felt like i have been able to try life out, if you will, as a single parent. i know that this is not really an exact comparison because i still don't have to be the sole provider, i still get to talk to him on the phone when i miss him, and so much more, but... when it comes to Bayli; taking care of, disciplining, and playing with her is all being done by me for now.
Garrison has been away from us before while he goes on camping trips with the guys, but, that usually means that the other women are missing their husbands too so we just band together and get our nails done and let out kids play with each other, so it really doesn't feel the same as it does this time. this time it feels like it's just me. just me and Bayli against the world.
i think another reason why i am viewing things so differently this time around is because i am now the young women's president as my calling in the church. and, i have a few girls in my ward who have single mothers, this experience is making me appreciate all that they do on such a greater level.
and on top of it all, maybe it's just because i know that this is only the first, and shortest of his many trips for work in these next few months. when he goes to China and Australia i am going to be doing this single parent gig for much longer.

Last night, i was hanging out at my parents house playing games, when Bayli fell asleep. she was in the bed that she takes naps in while my mother babysits her when i am at work, so it was a familiar, comfortable place for her. i lived in that same house until i was almost 19. that house truly will always be a place i feel welcomed, and loved, and in my heart, it's mine. there was no reason for us to leave, yet, when it came time for me to fall asleep i just couldn't do it in that house. and that's when i realized it, while that house still feels like mine, it's not my home anymore.
my home is ours.
i longed for the familiar things of our house, i missed the uneven clicking of baxter's nails on the hardwood floor as he takes his eleven trips outside to go to the bathroom in the night. i missed the unknown tapping that comes from the fridge that garrison and i lovingly refer to as "our midget trapped inside the fridge, knocking to get our attention". i missed the random roar of cars driving on the road just outside our window, i missed looking out our back window into the apartment complexes behind our backyard and being able to tell which friends of ours are still up by the lights that are on in their apartment, something about that especially calmed me tonight knowing if something bad happened i could run to their rescue. i missed the smell of garrison's pillow. i even missed stepping on bayli's toys knowing that while yes, they were a mess, in the morning she would love to have the already out to play with.
and so, eventhough i had a few episodes of downtown abbey calling my name in my parents DVR, i still decided to take me and my baby back to our home.

1 comment:

  1. What a touching story, Valeri. I know that it was a bit hard for you last January, but you soldiered-on despite those difficulties. I firmly believe you are one great mommy, deserving of emulation by others. Little Bayli is looking gorgeous and adorable, BTW! I hope everyone's doing well!

    Carlos Strey @ The Bridge Across