on april 10th 2020, we were finally settling down for the day. I had driven up to SLC earlier that day and had a non-stress test (NST) performed on me and the baby like i had every week for the past month because i had gestational hypertension (high blood pressure) during the test i had contractions every 5 minutes, but the babys heart rate was doing awesome, and i wasn't in pain and after my first cervical check, i wasn't dilating so i was sent home with the expectation that this was just going to be my new normal, prodromal labor (weeks worth of consistent labor pains daily) just like i had with my first two deliveries. So, that night after a days worth of contractions i had taken a hot shower to relax and to try and stop the contractions i settled down for the day by watching the office (conflict resolution episode) and eating chocolate chips in bed. we were about 15 minutes into the episode when i was laughing and bam, my water broke. i told garrison to "grab me a towel cause my water just broke"
i was only 34 weeks pregnant.
after rushing to the bathroom with the towel between my legs, double checking that yes, it was my waters and not just urine. (although lets be honest, i was POSITIVE the moment it happened in bed) i told garrison to go carry our sleeping girls to the neighbors house, and to borrow some huge pads from her house as well. she had delivered her baby a few months before and i was banking she would have some extra HUGE ones from her time in the hospital. after calling her while stuck on the toilet to inform her of the news and double check that she would be able to help us out, my adrenaline kicked in and i started shaking uncontrollably. i've never had the shakes like this before, teeth chattering, sweating, my hair bouncing up and down like crazy.
i was nervous because the baby was so early, i was nervous that we wouldn't make the hour long drive to the hospital in time, i had technically been contracting the entire day, and i knew the baby would be small because it was so early, so i figured these were prime conditions for having a baby on the side of the highway. plus, with my other two kids after breaking my waters the baby came FAST, like about an hour later fast. but usually my waters were broken by a doctor in the hospital, not on accident in my bed. so we were fast... carrying the kids to the neighbors, changing my clothes, loading up the car, and out the door, in 10 minutes.
i was also nervous because i was delivering during a pandemic.
the complications that came along with that were, hoping garrison was healthy enough to come in with me, (i was nervous the rush of the night and rushing so much, he could have a "fever" just from blood pumping so hard) also, my best friend, who is also my obgyn - we will refer to her as Chelsey cause, thats her name and this dr/best friend business is confusing. haha- i had called chelsey very first after my water broke to inform her, and her response was something along the lines of "oh shit. okay. we'll make this work" she's a resident at the u of u hospital, and that means her schedule is not entirely her own. and their schedules and rules about which doctors could be on certain floors at specific times were much more strict due to the pandemic. so... she wasnt technically allowed to be on my floor that day. getting her as my doctor was going to be a struggle. the two things i'd wanted this entire pregnancy 1) have a healthy baby 2) have chelsey deliver my baby. both were worrying me as we took the hour long drive -although garrison made it in 40 minutes- to the hospital.
chelsey called me multiple times, and we were constantly texting each other, and come to find out she was working her magic with her superiors and co-residents and nurses on staff to make sure she would be able to deliver even if it meant sneaking in or something. haha but we were keeping each other updated on the progress.
i checked into the hospital around midnight and they did all the normal things, verified it was amniotic fluid, blood pressure. iv, hook me up to all the monitors and get dressed in the gown, ask me all the questions, sign paperwork, meet the nurses... the normal. then, the doctor that was assigned to the floor at the time (aka, not chelsey) checked my cervix to see if i had dilated, which thankfully i hadn't. no rushed baby without an epidural in the car or hallway of the hospital for me! she then started talking to me about what the protocol is for my situation -spontaneous broken waters, but not full term yet- she basically said "*normally* we want to have babies delivered 24 hours or sooner after water breaks, but because i wasn't 37 weeks yet, if i wasn't dilating or in active labor they would plan on me being hooked up to penisilin for up to a month monitoring both me and the baby until i hit 27 weeks, or earlier if the baby decided to go into active labor and start dilating. they suggested i get started with the daily steroid shots in my leg to help the baby's lungs develop and basically to settle in for the long run. i was allowed to eat, and if the contraction pains were too much, i couldn't get an epidural because of the unknown delivery length, but to notify them if i needed an ibuprofen or something stronger.
my contractions were crazy strong but not consistent, and during the next 19 hours and i didn't dilate further. we talked with family via zoom, i got the suggested steroid shot and basically just tried to settle in and get used to my new normal. we truly couldn't believe it was happening like this, but grateful for every single hour that the baby stayed inside me, growing and heart beating healthily, giving more time for the steroids to work.
chelsey was staying updated at her house, and still being notified of my progress, or lack there of. we all tried to rest, but without the assistance of an epidural, no sleep really happened. basically for the lack of a better word, it was a boring 19 hours.
then, a shift change happened, and i got checked and i had progressed one whole centimeter, but as small of a change as it was, it was still the change we needed that indicated active labor so... i could get my epidural, and they told us that since i was now in active labor, they would love for me to have the baby before the 24 hour mark because of their worries of infection. they called chelsey and told her to get to the hospital, and ordered my epidural. The anesthesiologist got there before chelsey did, he did the typical speech and filled out paperwork before administering my epidural, then when he did the surge of medicine... i didn't feel anything... i've had two successful epidural's before and knew that it wasn't working. he indicated for me to lay on my side and let the drugs slowly take their effect. i was apprehensive but also so tired after a long day and figured we had a loooong way to go, so i tried to relax and rest. i knew an actual nap was out of the question but i was hopeful that the epidural would start to work and so i focused on "relaxing" my uterus because that is my theory on why my epidurals worked to speed up labor with my other kids, i swear the epidural finally stops me from resisting and flexing everything "downstairs" during contractions and so the baby descends!
while resting chelsey finally got to the hospital, greeted me with a gift (that was gender specific so i couldn't open it till after delivery) and started looking me over. i updated her on how my epidural wasn't working but it was ok cause i was so excited to finally see her. her getting there was the last thing i mentally needed to realize that it was really happening, and that now things could move forward.
apparently that's all the baby needed as well to decide to make her entrance because literally less than 2 minutes after chelsey entered the room, i told her i wanted to push and could feel the ring of fire so she hurriedly got dressed, called the nurses, adjusted the bed, etc and i started pushing. i've never pushed without an epidural before and boy is it different. i was so exhausted from such a long day, and the pain was getting to me making me feel less "in control" of what was happening, it was painful enough that i was scared and kind of fighting/resisting her descending fully while my body simultaneously was pushing without me actually trying. it's crazy how similar pushing feels to a bowel movement in some ways and entirely different in others. a nurse finally got my head out of the anxiety clouds by yelling at me and i did only 1 really good focused push knowing that i might tear in the process but ready to have this baby anyway. out came her head, then chels did the rest without me needing to push because the baby was so tiny.
chelsey caught her, and proclaimed "it's a girl!" as she placed her on my belly and started rubbing her feet and back to get her to cry. it took almost 30 seconds but she finally yelled right as the respiratory dr's were getting ready to take her. with that crisis averted chels got everything ready for garrison to cut the cord. the nicu dr's had been notified as soon as chelsey realized i was ready to push earlier so they were already waiting in the room, they had told us that no matter what they would need to take the baby since she was so premature to look her over but that if she was breathing on her own and healthy looking i could be with her and hold her for 1-2 minutes.
those minutes went so fast and as chelsey was delivering my placenta and stitching me up, they took our sweet gemini away to the nicu floor. garrison went with her and i was told once i was ready to walk i could come and visit her. well... thankfully because the epidural never worked i was fully mobile and wanted to see her right away. chelsey -who i think didn't really believe my epidural didn't work until that moment- was shocked i had so much mobility. but she also wasn't done stitching so i had to sit back and let her finish, then the other dr's said i had to wait at least 1 hour after delivery until i could walk down to the nicu to see her because of regulations with an epidural. (regardless of my resisting that it never worked) so i updated my parents via text that all was well, opened the gift chels had brought and just reminisced with chelsey on how quickly everything went. then... surprise! in comes the nicu nurse and garrison with gemini! apparently she was hungry and rooting in the nicu and because i was already creating colostrum during labor they brought her back out of the nicu to attempt to nurse with me for just a few minutes (which i hear is extremely rare for them to do and i am so grateful) after that they needed to take her back to the nicu so off they went again. and i went back to moving around being antsy wanting to leave. the nurses and other dr's were shocked at how much walking around the bed i was doing. but i was trying everything i could to prove to them that i was fine and just wanted to be with my baby.
at exactly 1 hour after delivery they let me go and i finally was able to see her in the nicu. it was honestly a scary sight at first, her skinny naked body hooked up to all the wires laying underneath the warmers. she was SO small (4 pounds i was told). she looked so fragile. i wanted to hold her, i wanted to nurse her and fatten her up. she had already been poked multiple times on the heel of her foot and had bandaids there, but besides that all of the other wires were just external thankfully. no breathing tubes, no iv's, no feeding tubes, etc. compared to the other nicu babies gemini was doing great. all the dr's were shocked at how well she was doing even though she was so early and it gave me hope that we would be able to leave soon. i hate hospitals and already just wanted to go home. knowing people were only a couple floors below me dying from an unknown pandemic virus did not help in giving me peace of mind being there.
This started the battle between us and the dr's. they understood she looked healthy but had to follow protocol and standard procedure.
she was premature, she was small, she came early, this meant they felt comfortable keeping her until her usual due date. 6 weeks to 2 months is what they initially told us. i was shocked.
she needed iv antibiotics because my blood results came back as strep b positive. the iv they placed in her forehead. she looked like our little unicorn. but the tape ripped out all her front hairs.
she had slightly elevated bilirubin levels and needed to spend a day under the bilirubin lights. while under the lights slc experienced a earthquake that quickened our resolve to get out of the hospital even more.
after spending so much time naked under the lights and exposed to the open air... it chilled her body temperature so they kept her another day to make sure she could maintain body temps
her blood sugar levels were lower than ideal so they made me supplement with formula and did many many more heel pricks to test her levels.
basically, yes. there were things that needed to be done to help her out, and yes the dr's were just doing their jobs but... we were not afraid of her small size. (all of our babies had been about her size) and we just knew deep down that she was good, healthy, and that we were capable of doing all this care at home. we could keep her in the sun or rent a home bilirubin light, keep her warm, keep her fed, and keep her away from all the drugs, and sick babies, and nurses that were touching handles that had been used by people with covid from our baby girl.
plus, during this entire time we were having to navigate not leaving the hospital (cause if garrison left, they would cut his visitor wristband and he would not be able to come back in due to the covid visitor restrictions) i was discharged and no longer considered a patient so i was technically her only legal visitor as the nursing mother. because my home was an hour away they gave us "the twilight room" which was literally a converted broom closet into a "room" with no windows that held a single twin bed and a lamp. garrison and i took shifts sleeping in this room and sitting by gemini's side in the nicu. never together except for when we passed in the hallways, but the hallways were monitored so intensely due to covid and they couldn't see us together or they would realize that we were both there at the same time. it was so sad to handle all these conversations with the dr's and nurses alone. not seeing the sun for 5 days, healing from my delivery and stitches without another adult to help me, the complications of nursing, and eating cafeteria food during covid all combined to make it literally my own personal hell. good thing we had a beautiful healthy sleeping baby to distract us.
also, it's worth noting that the step-down icu and icu at the U specializes in taking care of "withdrawal babies" or babies who are addicted to drugs from being in-utero to mothers who continued to use and abuse drugs during their pregnancies. this was so sad. these babies cried continually, often didn't even like to be touched, and overhearing the conversations these nurses and dr's and cps workers had with the mothers, and their families were so heartbreaking. i like to think my milk supply came in so early and forcefully because i mentally wanted to take allllll of these babies home, i wanted to be the mother that they needed and deserved. i wanted to nurse and care for them all.
and this other final struggle was our own fault... i couldn't communicate with my friends/family/daughters at home. why? because we chose not to find out the gender. and i wanted to be there in person when my daughters learned they had a new sister/brother. but i knew it would be near impossible for us to talk over the phone/face time and not let her gender slip. and if we told friends/family adults they would also have to then keep it a secret from our girls so... we just resorted to texts and no pictures. which made me feel even more alone. chelsey was the only person i could really talk to fully and she was crazy busy but she did come and check on us a couple times.
i shed lots of tears. and i don't even think post delivery hormone fluctuation was to blame.
finally, at 5 days old, the time came where gemini passed all her tests with flying colors. we were able to take her home! we stopped by grandma vee's house first on our way down south (knowing she was quarantined at home nervous about her age/covid and would not be able to leave to come visit us at our house) and then went home and got everything ready for my parents and our girls to come home and meet their sister.
being reunited with my family and sharing in the good news of our beautiful healthy little girl was one of the highest points of my entire life. feeling full and complete as a family and seeing their faces as they fell in love with their new sister made up for all of the hard nights that had been endured previously.
then we started the covid quarantined year like everyone else, except we had a cute little baby to cuddle, spoil, and distract us from the woes of the world. she was here, she was healthy, she ate like a champ and grew so well and still loves tanning in the sun to this day. :)
we love her and her dramatic entrance into the world.
our lives have been on her terms and conditions ever since.
i made a birth video of her delivery you can watch here.
instead of the normal yellowish shade. this makes it feel like there might actually be a window in this room, even though there's obviously not. 
are literally the shiz. especially this one that blocks the view of the busy road, but lets in alllll the natural light. and even does us a favor by softening it.
fixture in the entire world. and the largest centerpiece i could find that is constantly being dwarfed by our massive island that's larger than a king size bed.