Baby Diary: when's my due date???

(wrote on August 29th 2011)

i don't know if my "morning sickness" has gotten so much worse because i now know that i am pregnant and so it's like, my brain registered. "ok guys, she found us out, let's hit her with the good stuff now" or if its just always been like this and i've tried to work through it more, where as now i give myself the "im pregnant" excuse and allow myself to stay in bed for hours on end focusing on NOT seeing what i ate last night, end up in the toilet. but, besides the morning sickness, i've realized something new.

im probably farther along than i thought initially. because we weren't trying to have a baby, and get pregnant, i was just focusing on taking my pills and not really focusing on when i had a period or not. ever since i started birth control my periods have been super messed up. ranging from two months without a period (i checked for pregnancy then and it came out negative, so you can see why i wasn't worried this time), to a two week long bleeding session, so.... you can understand that nothing has really been "normal" anyway, too much information.  but.... all that proves, is that in the past few days i have realized that i have no clue when my last period was. it could have been three months ago! which would mean that i have a high likeliness of being way farther along than i initially thought.

this just makes things way more complicated. let me give you the details

because of this new, un-planned pregnancy i have had to do months and months of research in just a few days, that is one benefit of being baby hungry and planning a pregnancy. you have the TIME to look up articles, and find out what doctor your family and friends have enjoyed, and know what foods to eat and vitamins you need to take, and have a house that's appropriate, and signs of something going wrong, and sooo much more. 

well, we have a HUGE to do list, (i will share that later, more for my benifit than yours, so that i can write all this stuff down and sort it through) but the thing at the top of the list is finding a doctor and getting an appointment, not only will this doctors appointment allow me to find out how far along i am, but it will also be the place where we find out what my blood type is, and what garrisons blood type is and we can find out if we have "_______" disease. it runs in garrisons family, so i'm pretty nervous. and your supposed to get the shot that fixes things at your ten week appointment, well, if i'm farther along than ten weeks then would things get worse? would i lose the baby? would he/she have major complications. it's just stressful! i feel like im already failing as a mom. 

But, before we can figure any of that out, we have to switch insurance, we are trying to do this without letting our families know that we are pregnant. this is a big debate in our house right now. Should we let them know so that we don’t have to do this on our own? So that I can ask all these important questions, so that they can be excited with us and bring up a perspective that we wouldn’t have thought about before? Or… do we wait because 9 months is  a long time to wait, and it would be nicer for them? and because neither of us want all the questions and to talk about the baby sooo much. (it just feels like it will be the same thing as when we told them we were getting married, then all of a sudden, no one asks how your day went or how the weather is, but instead. How are the wedding plans coming? Are you excited or nervous, what can I help with, how much longer do you have to wait, etc. and those questions, though nice and helpful, really do become this overtaking bubble in your life and you just don’t feel normal anymore) and, because we really don’t know the answer to that vital question…. How far along are you? which will be everyone’s first question. So… we are thinking, let’s do the doctor thing all on our own (without advice of which hospital to go to, or doctor to see… aaaahhhh) and find out how far along we are, and then, once we know we can determine when to tell the family. 

besides all the stress, after reading alot of articles, and checking out baby web sites, and apps for my phone that give lots of advice, i'm realizing that one, im not the first and only person in the world to get pregnant, and so everything that im going through, or will go through has been experienced by someone that's written about it in their blog, or facebook, or made a youtube video about it, or written an article, or made a website, and so there is for sure answers to everything out there. the internet is the best. and... i've got the best husband in the world to be by my side and help me through this. he is so supportive and is working so hard to make this as easy as possible for "his babies" (im not just "baby" around the house any more, im "babies")

(the card says "I love you babies! -daddy aka Garrison) i got this on the day we found out after i came home from a long long day of work.

and... the biggest realization of all. eventhough i am scared out of my mind and nervous and honestly don't think i am ready. someone upstairs does. he thinks im ready, and that we are ready, and trusts us with this choice spirit of his. and there is no greater feeling, nothing greater than to get a glimpse of god-hood, and feel the love he has for us, and the approval he has on this family. i am starting to understand little things that i've never thought before, or felt before, and that, is what makes me get through this. that is what makes this worth it.