Mother. I love you.

with all of these posts about becoming a mother, obviously you can tell that i've got something other than myself at the forefront of my mind most days. I've been thinking a lot about my unborn child and the changes that it/he/she will bring to my future.

with this new mindset. i've found myself wanting to know a lot more about my past: what I was like as a child, how it felt for my mother when she was pregnant, looking at a lot more baby pictures of me and garrison trying to imagine what our child will look like, etc. and... i've been even more grateful for my mother and understanding of her motherly tendencies towards me when I was a child, and still everyday. when i think about how much work and love goes into a pregnancy, i'm amazed at all the little things my mother did for me without me even being born yet. how much time she must have thought about me, and worried over me. i only know this because she and i are pretty much exactly alike and... since i'm stressing and worrying about if my little gummy bear is ok or not every other second. no exaggeration. worrying about if it's growing fast enough, and that i'm eating what it needs, and how to make sure it feels loved when it comes into this world, and even trying little things like singing just a bit louder in the car or when i'm talking to myself to make sure that the baby will recognize my voice when it comes out. or changing the station/song when i hear a swear word cause a few weeks ago it developed it's hearing and now can be influenced by that kind of stuff. (call me crazy, but they are real thoughts!) so... she must have thought crazy things like that too.

i'm thankful at times for having this baby sprung upon us. for our "oops." because, i know that these feelings i'm having are not because i'm "baby hungry" or "ready to be a mother" it's because i'm not. since i'm not baby hungry and still don't get all touchey feely inside when i see a newborn baby smile. i know that this love connection im slowly forming with my own baby is different because i do smile and get all touchey feely inside when i feel this baby kick, and when i hear it's hearbeat at the doctors, and when i look at the only picture i have of it from our first ultrasound. those moments make me smile. i smile when i know it's ok.

my mother has been the biggest help throughout all this. initially i'll be the first to admit that since the last time she gave birth was almost 20 years ago, i thought she wouldn't be able to help much. i thought, "so much has changed since then, and research has found out so much stuff, etc so she probably can't help as much as women who have given birth more recently" well, those thoughts were right with one exception. she's the one who birthed me! she's my blood! and luckily, like i mentioned earlier: we're exactly alike. and guess what that also means, we carry our children alike. (so far at least) when i had confusion about a symptom wondering if it was normal or not, more than likely mom went through the same thing and can calm my nerves. and the biggest thing: weight gain. most people do not stress over not gaining weight. they do not cry because of a lost pound here or there. but, sometimes i do.

i have an unusual pregnancy: instead of gaining weight, i've continuously lost weight throughout my entire pregnancy. its like pregnancy in reverse. (haha) at my first appointment, i was surprised to find out i was still at my pre marriage weight, at my second appointment when the scales read that i had lost a pound i was told that it was ok in the first trimester because of throwing up and not to worry. well, i never threw up. so... i kinda started to worry. by my second appointment, losing another pound was "unusual" since i was now into my second trimester, and "that we would find out if everything was going healthy with the baby at my 20 week ultrasound" que extreme worries. i wanted to go snarf an entire whopper right then and there. but, the weirdest part is that i can feel my stomach growing. it's not growing out, just getting firmer and i can feel the baby in there! so... weird right? well, in talking with my mom she said the exact same thing happened to her! people in her ward didn't even know she was pregnant because she never looked it. literally never. i have the one and only picture of her pregnant, in the image she's about 2 weeks before giving birth to my brother, and the only reason you can even tell she's pregnant is because the wind is blowing her dress. ridiculous. all of us kiddo's were really little (i only weighed 5 pounds if i remember right) which makes sense why she never got huge if we didn't get huge inside her.

this is that picture, she gave birth to my brother two weeks later.

basically, going through this pregnancy has really helped me get a better perspective on my own mother, i've noticed an ever increasing growth in my love and adoration for her. thanks for carrying me for 9 months, giving birth to me, and teaching me everything i really need to know in life. hopefully someday i can be "exactly like you" in more than just physical appearances and pregnancy, hopefully I really can be just like you in all the things that make you "Loni"

Love your Daughter, Valeri.

Im so thankful for the comments that I so often get: "you look just like your mother"

In our most recent -camping- family picture she's surrounded by those who love her most.