Thoughts.

i mentioned in my last post that everything with this pregnancy has been the opposite of what it was like when i was pregnant with bayli. the doctors and everyone always say "every pregnancy is different" but i thought that meant for each woman, not for each baby. so, after i found out we were expecting, i started noticing some of those typical pregnancy symptoms, but not typical for me, and i started getting very worried. for example, with bayli i never threw up. so when i started throwing up a few times everyday i thought "something must be wrong, i know some people say this is a normal part of pregnancy, but it's not normal for me so something must be wrong. my body must be rejecting the baby." the list goes on and on for things that were upsetting and different than my last pregnancy. but still, they were all "normal"

i know that we all follow different people on our social media accounts, but for some reason it seemed like as soon as we started trying to get pregnant, all of these bad things started happening to the pregnancies of women that i follow. miscarriages, still births, babies born with birth defects, babies dying after living only a few days or weeks, and even young children dying from sids, and other types of accidents. while there were of course the happy and healthy children born during this time, i counted them up and the negative greatly outweighed the positive on my feed.

because of these two things i really thought i was going to lose this baby. i thought that all of these women that i follow who were courageously and beautifully handling the trials that they were dealt with the hardships that come from pregnancy, i was learning and being prepared so that i would be able to do the same.

i wanted to wait until i was well into my second trimester to announce that we were pregnant because i just wanted to make sure.

so we waited.

and everything with the baby has turned out to be good so far. so we are thinking positively and it's finally starting to sink in; we are going to have this baby.

it's the weirdest thing being pregnant for the second time. i'm sure you've heard women say that "women must forget all of the pain that's associated with labor because if i had remembered, i wouldn't have gotten pregnant again." that's something i've heard multiple times from women who sit in my salon chair. while i think they are right, i've decided we forget more than just the labor pain. i always thought that all of the studying, and learning, and feelings, of being pregnant would come back to me instantly once i was pregnant again for the second time. nope. i vaguely remember the birthing class we went to, i kinda remember some of the things i studied on the internet about pregnancy, and the feeling of bayli kicking inside of me is a touch that has been forgotten for a long time now. i didn't remember how crappy i felt in the mornings as i brushed my teeth. i didn't remember how exhausted i felt after working on my feet all day, i didn't remember going so many days without caring to brush my hair or do my makeup. but the thing is, it happened. i wrote about it on the blog all those years ago. because if you had asked me just a few weeks ago i would have told you "i never experienced that". the only proof i have is my own journal/blog entries from that time 3 years ago when i was going through this same thing for the first time. but the weird thing is that it feels like i am experiencing all of these things for the very first time all over again.

which makes me sooo nervous to become a parent again. because if i thought i had forgotten about what happened with my first pregnancy, i can tell you that i know i have forgotten even more about what it is like being the parent to a newborn.

we recently started watching video's of when bayli was a baby to show her what life with a baby will be like, and to teach her that she was once a baby too. the video's have helped so much. looking back i wish i had gotten more video's of bayli during those first precious few weeks. we took tons of pictures, but hardly any videos i guess because newborns just sit there. not much action or interest for a video but still, i wish... anyway, while the purpose was to show bayli what life would be like with a newborn, the videos have helped me start to remember what life will be like with a new baby.

how tiny they are, and how long it takes them to nurse, and the gross sponges of filled breast pads, and the worrying about every little thing, and the midnight feedings, and the mustard filled diapers that leak worse than anything, and the dried scab belly button that you can't get wet, and how still you want to lay on the bed or the couch so that you don't have to move the extra sensitive area that is trying so darn hard to heal and stop bleeding. and the going to the bathroom a million times to get rid of all the fluids they pumped into you from the iv. and the "don't make me laugh, i'll tear my stitches" and the breast pump. and the swaddling, and the house decontamination a million times over, and hand sanitizer, and the doctor check ups, and the legs that won't stay put in their sleepers- somehow they always came out and were snuggled up next to her belly- and the uncontrollable flailing of their limbs, and how sometimes she would wake herself up because she hit herself. and the "i can't eat chocolate because it gives her gas" and the strict scheduling of feedings and naps and play/awake time. and the multiple tellings of little children not to touch her eyes. and how my boobs always decided to leak whenever visitors came over. and clients wanting me to come back to work to do their hair again. and the laundry. and the thousands of photos. and the crying, sometimes for no reason. and watching a lot of tv. and you hysterically crying over the silliest things as your hormones balance back out again. and the stripper boobs that are hard and huge and oh so sore. and how slippery they are in the water. and the proudest look in their grandparents eyes as they hold them for the first time. and the lullabies, and the kisses, sooo many kisses.

and then they grow up and turn three.

this life is the craziest thing. and i sure don't have it figured out. and i'm still not even sure if this baby will make it, heck, i'm still not sure bayli will make it. i'm not sure about anything. but holding on to those memories, the ones that were once forgotten, but that are slowly coming back as i experience them all over again for a second time are so wonderful. i am as nervous as sin to bring kid number two into this family. but i am also so excited to see his or her new little face and tiny wrinkly bum and to feel my heart burst as it grows to the size it needs to be in order to completely and all consumingly love my two little children.